Pudgems

I’m a fatty, and I say that not because I “hate” myself or because I’m looking for anyone to say ” oh stoooop it, no you’re not!” I’m a fatty because my scale, doctor and clothes say so. I’ve been a fatty all my life, just not this much of a fatty. I have no problem loosing weight, it’s maintaining it, keeping it off that gives me so much grief. This time last year, I was 40 pounds lighter than I am now, and I was STILL overweight. I thought being told that I am pre diabetic would be enough to scare the fat outta me, and it did for a while, but due to unforeseen events that have added much stress/depression it seems I have adopted a “Bring it on!!” attitude about the whole diabetes thing. So not good. You would think that someone as terrified of death and dying as I am would being doing everything in my power to keep myself as healthy as possible. I wonder if there is a subconscious part of me that has just given up??

A part of me that’s convinced that no matter what I do it isn’t gonna change anything so why bother? I don’t really know what my point is, I guess I’m just “thinking out loud”, I went to the doctor today and he told me he wants to do a sleep study to see if I have sleep apnea…which if I do, is most likely being caused by my current weight situation…

something else I’ve been thinking about as far as this whole weight issue goes, is that I’m all for self esteem, and believing you’re beautiful no matter what, and fuck anyone who thinks other wise, and yes big can be beautiful as long as it’s healthy, but I am not healthy, and I find myself wondering if the reason I have managed to stay unhealthy for so long is because I don’t care about myself as much as I should, (deep right?) perhaps in my case big is baneful?

torn, broken and frayed

well i got through mother’s day, only cried at the tail end of it when the day’s festivities were done. it was inevitable. i just kept thinking about how i may have turned out if i had at least one functional parent. maybe i’d have an actual career, or some fucking self confidence. but whatever, that’s not what fate/life/whatever had in mind for me. the only good thing i have going for me right now is ben, and i wouldn’t change what we have for anything, so i guess i should be comforted in knowing that everything thing that happened to me led up to me being with him, but i still can’t help but feel hurt and a sense of loss over the potential success i could have been. it’s especially hard when i see ben with his parents, who so clearly love him, who raised him to be a whole person, i wonder what i would have been like if someone would have invested in me. i wonder what it would be like to be a whole person. to be secure in who i am, to not be constantly worried that someone is upset with me, or that i’ve done something wrong, to believe that not only can i pursue my dreams, but know that i’ll be successful too instead of constantly doubting myself and tearing myself down before anyone else can. i wonder what it would be like to be full.

Adorable Mug Giveaway!

The Dainty Squid is giving away four adorable artsy mugs for your drinking and or decorative pleasure. Click the link for details

J’adore Dior

It’s amazing what a few high end cosmetics can do for your confidence! I used some of my tax return to buy myself Dior Diorshow Mascara and Dior Addict Lip Glow, this stuff is RIDICULOUS! I feel amazing wearing, and it may be like a whole placebo effect thing, but I SWEAR my eyelashes really do look longer and more curled and it lasts all day, I have yet needed to re-apply, and I SWEAR that the lip gloss really does change color when I put it on, thus making my natural lip color “pop”. It’s also got SPF in it so it’s a great summer item and it’s really soft on the lips, it doesn’t feel sticky, thick or greasy which can be a problem when using lip glosses.

I’ve gotten a lot of compliments since I’ve started wearing it, even my boyfriend noticed, and he never notices any of that shit, so that’s definitely adding to my feel good factor. If you’re looking for makeup to highlight your natural features, ( so that you don’t look like you’re wearing makeup) then I highly recommend these two products. You can get them both from Sephora or Nordstrom. They’re about 28 dollars each and totally worth it, and if you order both products from Sephora, you will have spent enough to be eligible for free shipping. The lip glow is a hot seller , I already had to wait for the second shipment to come in for it so I’d head over and get it ASAP!

Write one leaf about Interruptions…

Write one leaf about interruptions

I was taking the dog out for a walk today when a- oh wait did I forget to turn the oven off? No, I’m pretty sure I did th- oh wow I totally forgot I was supposed to call my mom she had something important to tell me about her doctors appointment, something about-shit i just spilled coffee all over myself, and I’m wearing my brand new jeans, the ones I got on sale at-what was I saying again?

Write one leaf

For all you writers out there, I found this blog, Write One Leaf. It’s nothing but writing prompts and I thought it was kinda cool. One of the prompts they posted today was to write one leaf about candlelight. So here’s my stab at it, it’s pretty much steam of consciousness. I only checked the spelling but I’m sure there’s grammar problems but whatever… if you’re looking for some quick writing exercises to help with the writers block, or to just warm up the creativity I’d suggest checking the site out it. Have fun

Write One Leaf about Candlelight

I lit a candle in memory of you. It sits on my counter top, and when it flickers I like to tell myself it’s your way of saying hello, telling me you’re not quite gone. I watch the white wax dripping to the bottom in globs of chunky heat, the pool of wax getting bigger at the top, exposing more wick, exposing more me. I just want to let it burn, all the way down to that nubby little metal part that keeps the wick from falling out at the bottom, but I can’t. Every time it gets close to the end, I panic and run around the house frantically trying to find a new candle to transfer the flame to. I guess there’s this part of me that believes that there’s this piece of you in that flame, and if I let it go out, you will be gone completely. All I’ll have left will be a fleeting memory of you, that will fade away on that skinny trail of smoke that curls to the top of my ceiling when there is nothing left to burn for.

A leopard can’t change it’s spots

My dad has been stalking me via facebook for months now. He keeps sending me friend requests and I keep rejecting it. Totally not taking the hint, he sends me an e-mail today letting me know he sent me a friend request and that I should accept it. I’m not sure what possessed me to do it, but I finally just said ” ahh screw it, whatever” and I accepted. I suppose I figured we have been on civil terms as of late, what’s so wrong about a silly friend request on a silly social networking site?

No sooner did I accept the request and go to his profile, that I was reminded exactly why I had spent the last two years not speaking to him. Right there on his page was a photo shopped picture of him next to a picture of Mena Suvari, clad in a skimpy bikini with her tits nearly hanging out. Needless to say I immediately “unfriended” my dad and I am now left feeling dirty and angry.

Now, I know to most of you, perhaps the thought of some old dude photo shopping himself next to a sexy actress might be funny. But to me, it is just a reminder of all the dysfunction I have had to deal with my entire life, and the source to all my hang ups. I spent the last two years not talking to my father, in order to distance myself from his dysfunctions and addictions. I even told him exactly what he had done to bring me to the point of estrangement. He swore up and down how sorry he was, how he knew he “fucked up big time.” how he even went to confession and “cried” to the priest. He kept insisting that he’s changed. Funny how one click on a stupid facebook page can prove he’s full of shit.

Some things never change. Big surprise.

The Power of Christ Repels You

A couple came to the school today for a tour to see if our facility was right for their child. As soon as I saw them, I felt as if I knew them from somewhere and couldn’t place it. As the day went on I realized I knew them from the church i used to go to a lifetime ago. I have been feeling nothing but anxiety since. Don’t get me wrong, they are nice enough people, I never spent enough time with them to really know them, but I get like this anytime I run into anyone who had even the smallest part in my religious lifestyle.

I fear the awkward re-introductions, the questions about what I’m up to, and what church I’m going to. My instinct will tell me to be honest. To tell them I am no longer a church goer, that I no longer subscribe to Christian doctrine, or any religious doctrine for that matter. To tell them I am happy, that I am living with my boyfriend and that things are for the most part hunky dory. But I don’t want to deal with the forced smiles, or the looks of sadness as they realize that I have become a “backslider”, or the awkward silences that usually follow in these types of conversation because there is nothing else to be said and no one knows how to bow out gracefully. I know I’m going to be judged and I hate that. Then again, I could totally be over thinking it, for all I know they could give two shits about me, assuming they remember me at all. Perhaps I am just self absorbed for thinking that every one I used to know must have some opinion on how I am living my life now. I really should get over myself

I think there is also this teeny tiny part of me that, upon encountering these people, feels like I have been caught doing something horrendous. This teeny tiny part of me that still believes that the god I no longer believe in ( or at least the 99.9% of me that doesn’t) is still going to strike me dead for not going to church and living in “sin.” I know this is totally illogical, but I suppose it is just that deep rooted religiosity in me that still thinks that living my life for me is going to send me to hell.

open wide

ben and some of his friends watched food inc . after hearing what they learned from it, i’m seriously considering going back to not eating meat ( only for realz this time, none of this half assed “chicken nuggets aren’t really meat so I can eat it” selective vegetarian shit) as well as fulfilling my personal goal of starting my own vegetable garden. if i could breed my own chickens and cows i would do that too, sure i may be killing them to eat, but at least i’d feed them food they were naturally designed to eat and i’d let them actually live and see the light of day, and you know, let them be an actual animal instead of some chemically enhanced mutant food creature…i’m just sayin’…

are you sayin’ i’m fat?

so one of the 3 year old boys in my class has been really clingy to me lately, all he likes to do is sit on my lap, or smoosh his head into my shoulder. He loves to be held and cuddled ( who doesn’t?). So, today he’s sitting with me, yet again and my co-teacher says ” he’s really clingy with you and he won’t come near me. I think it must be your body type. You’re very mushy.”

uh…wha??? she totally just called me fat!

grumble grumble…