Vicious Cycles December 1, 2008

I was in a funk today, feeling very ugly and blah. I told Ben that I hated looking at pictures of myself. He responded by saying ” When did you look at a picture of yourself.”

Now, to any rational, clear thinking human being this may seem like a very simple and innocent question. But to the insecure train wreck that is me, this question sparked a huge fight between us that I realized after I calmed down had all to do with me and nothing to do with him or what he said.

Ever since I can remember, up until the day I moved out of my father’s house, anytime I ever said anything to express myself or my feelings, someone in my family( whether is be my father, sister, or extended relatives) would make it their mission to convince me that I really didn’t feel that way and/or that I didn’t really want what I said I did. They would basically demand that I explain and prove myself. They would demand for the specifics, the who, what, why,when and where’s of everything I said and if I could not answer these questions they would then tell me how stupid or silly I was being and that I shouldn’t be that way. So when my boyfriend asked me ” When did you look at your picture today?” what I heard was:

” Naomi, you’re being ridiculous, you didn’t even look at your picture today, how can you say you hate looking at your picture when you didn’t even do it? God you’re stupid, you aren’t making any sense, don’t you see how silly you’re being, you don’t really hate looking at your picture do you? No, of corse you don’t, don’t say that anymore. “

I have only now just realized, that anytime I am questioned about anything, I immediately think that I am being talked down to and judged. I revert back to that little kid and react as such. Guess I’ll have something else to talk about for my Saturday session…