torn, broken and frayed

well i got through mother’s day, only cried at the tail end of it when the day’s festivities were done. it was inevitable. i just kept thinking about how i may have turned out if i had at least one functional parent. maybe i’d have an actual career, or some fucking self confidence. but whatever, that’s not what fate/life/whatever had in mind for me. the only good thing i have going for me right now is ben, and i wouldn’t change what we have for anything, so i guess i should be comforted in knowing that everything thing that happened to me led up to me being with him, but i still can’t help but feel hurt and a sense of loss over the potential success i could have been. it’s especially hard when i see ben with his parents, who so clearly love him, who raised him to be a whole person, i wonder what i would have been like if someone would have invested in me. i wonder what it would be like to be a whole person. to be secure in who i am, to not be constantly worried that someone is upset with me, or that i’ve done something wrong, to believe that not only can i pursue my dreams, but know that i’ll be successful too instead of constantly doubting myself and tearing myself down before anyone else can. i wonder what it would be like to be full.

Advertisement