The Power of Christ Repels You

A couple came to the school today for a tour to see if our facility was right for their child. As soon as I saw them, I felt as if I knew them from somewhere and couldn’t place it. As the day went on I realized I knew them from the church i used to go to a lifetime ago. I have been feeling nothing but anxiety since. Don’t get me wrong, they are nice enough people, I never spent enough time with them to really know them, but I get like this anytime I run into anyone who had even the smallest part in my religious lifestyle.

I fear the awkward re-introductions, the questions about what I’m up to, and what church I’m going to. My instinct will tell me to be honest. To tell them I am no longer a church goer, that I no longer subscribe to Christian doctrine, or any religious doctrine for that matter. To tell them I am happy, that I am living with my boyfriend and that things are for the most part hunky dory. But I don’t want to deal with the forced smiles, or the looks of sadness as they realize that I have become a “backslider”, or the awkward silences that usually follow in these types of conversation because there is nothing else to be said and no one knows how to bow out gracefully. I know I’m going to be judged and I hate that. Then again, I could totally be over thinking it, for all I know they could give two shits about me, assuming they remember me at all. Perhaps I am just self absorbed for thinking that every one I used to know must have some opinion on how I am living my life now. I really should get over myself

I think there is also this teeny tiny part of me that, upon encountering these people, feels like I have been caught doing something horrendous. This teeny tiny part of me that still believes that the god I no longer believe in ( or at least the 99.9% of me that doesn’t) is still going to strike me dead for not going to church and living in “sin.” I know this is totally illogical, but I suppose it is just that deep rooted religiosity in me that still thinks that living my life for me is going to send me to hell.

jumping the gun

my father and i have sort of started talking again after about a two year silence ( initiated by me). this came about because i realized that by cutting myself off from him i had inadvertently cut myself off from the rest of my relatives which i never wanted to do. the thing is, now that we have had a few civil conversations at family gatherings, he seems to think that our relationship is completely mended and honestly, i think he’s delusional. i may be able to once again be in a room with him without wanting to crawl out of my skin, but it doesn’t mean that anything is fixed. it just means i’ve gotten stronger.

already, has tried to talk to me about “giving” him grandkids, which i find repulsive. Not the having children part, but that fact that he seems to think I owe him another human life, and also, for some reason whenever he talks about me having kids, i can’t help but think that he’s thinking about me having sex, because that’s the kind of pervert he is. then again he may not be but i wouldn’t put it past him. also, he’s got another thing coming if he thinks i will ever leave him alone with my kids for any amount of time. he’ll be lucky if he gets to see them period. as of right now, it’s not very likely. i don’t see how i as a mother can willing put my children in the hands of some one so toxic. But then again, I don’t have kids right now so i probably shouldn’t be worrying about it just yet.

i have no idea why i’m writing about this, i guess it’s just been on my mind.

sinner

i ran into someone from the church i used to go to lifetimes ago. it was the most awkward thirty seconds of my life. she asked me about what i’ve been up to and i gave her the boring details about work and trying to go back to school and a part of me wanted to lie about living with my boyfriend but then i thought, what the fuck does it matter? so i told her and as soon as the words left my mouth, she gave me that forced smile that people give you when they clearly think you have done something wrong but they don’t have the balls to say it to your face, and then she said ” so i guess you’re not involved with any church then?” I told her I wasn’t, and even though there is nothing wrong with what i told her, i still felt guilty.

some people would say that my guilt feelings are really “god” trying to “call” me back to him/her/it but i think it’s just the foul residue of my former church life that basically said anything that isn’t centered around god and serving him/her/it is wrong and sinful and should be repented of immediately. this is why i always have anxiety attacks about seeing the people i used to be involved with, i just don’t want to deal with their insincerity and blatant judgement of me.

i hope i made her feel dirty.

pass the xanax please?

feeling a lot of anxiety the past few days. i’ve been telling a lot of people off lately, which is not my way. i guess you could say that i’ve reached a breaking point. i let people treat me like shit a lot and i guess i’ve just had enough of it. this applies to family, friends and co-workers. in each group there is always the one person who gets a little to comfortable using me as a punching bag and i’m at this point where i’m done with it. the problem is that because i have allowed it to go on for so long, they tend to get a little more than ruffled when i assert myself and stand up for myself. suddenly, when i tell them ” don’t talk to me like that” or simply say “no” or do anything other than stay quiet and take it, the responses i get are lest than respectful. i get yelled at, cursed at, was once even threatened with physical violence. i don’t understand it. why is it ok to dish it out but then become infuriated and defensive when it is given back to you? why don’t i have a right to treat you the way you have treated me?

i’ve been going head to head with people who pride themselves in being intimidating and in control. These are people that do not like to be challenged. and i think they are taken aback when quiet-lil’-ole-me actually says “fuck off”.

i guess the anxiety is from my worry of the repercussionss i may face in the coming days. these people are intimidating for a reason, and even though i know i have nothing to be sorry for, even though i know i did the right thing, every so often i find myself wishing i had just done what i always do and kept my mouth shut and accepted their bullshit.