love/hate and i’m an asshole

had a very uncomfortable talk with ben today. he knew something had been bothering me ( it’s impossible for me to hide how i’m really feeling) after a lot of prodding on his part, i finally told him about what i’ve been upset about, long, harsh story short, at times he’s irresponsible and immature and i have doubts that he is taking our future together seriously. this upset him a great deal, which i think was natural, but i found i was equally upset about his reaction. it was never my intent to hurt, shame or pick him apart, but it seems that this is what i ended up doing.

a part of me was angry that he was upset by what i had to say, he did after all, ask me to tell him what was bugging me. should i have lied to him?

but then i realized that just like i am entitled to my feelings, and that no one can make me “feel” anything without me first allowing them, I am not in control of other people’s feelings, and ben had every right to be sad/angry by what i had to say. but i know I hurt him, and i’m an asshole because of it. i know in his heart of hearts he really does love and care about me. why did i have to be so critical of some of his more insignificant flaws? why couldn’t i have just let it go and chalk it up to ben being ben? god knows he puts up with my petty bullshit all the time, why can’t i give him the same courtesy? this is why i feel like a shallow bitch. i say i love him for who he is, and yet it is the same qualities that i love that also drive me up a fucking wall.

what the fuck is wrong with me?

pass the xanax please?

feeling a lot of anxiety the past few days. i’ve been telling a lot of people off lately, which is not my way. i guess you could say that i’ve reached a breaking point. i let people treat me like shit a lot and i guess i’ve just had enough of it. this applies to family, friends and co-workers. in each group there is always the one person who gets a little to comfortable using me as a punching bag and i’m at this point where i’m done with it. the problem is that because i have allowed it to go on for so long, they tend to get a little more than ruffled when i assert myself and stand up for myself. suddenly, when i tell them ” don’t talk to me like that” or simply say “no” or do anything other than stay quiet and take it, the responses i get are lest than respectful. i get yelled at, cursed at, was once even threatened with physical violence. i don’t understand it. why is it ok to dish it out but then become infuriated and defensive when it is given back to you? why don’t i have a right to treat you the way you have treated me?

i’ve been going head to head with people who pride themselves in being intimidating and in control. These are people that do not like to be challenged. and i think they are taken aback when quiet-lil’-ole-me actually says “fuck off”.

i guess the anxiety is from my worry of the repercussionss i may face in the coming days. these people are intimidating for a reason, and even though i know i have nothing to be sorry for, even though i know i did the right thing, every so often i find myself wishing i had just done what i always do and kept my mouth shut and accepted their bullshit.