i ran into someone from the church i used to go to lifetimes ago. it was the most awkward thirty seconds of my life. she asked me about what i’ve been up to and i gave her the boring details about work and trying to go back to school and a part of me wanted to lie about living with my boyfriend but then i thought, what the fuck does it matter? so i told her and as soon as the words left my mouth, she gave me that forced smile that people give you when they clearly think you have done something wrong but they don’t have the balls to say it to your face, and then she said ” so i guess you’re not involved with any church then?” I told her I wasn’t, and even though there is nothing wrong with what i told her, i still felt guilty.
some people would say that my guilt feelings are really “god” trying to “call” me back to him/her/it but i think it’s just the foul residue of my former church life that basically said anything that isn’t centered around god and serving him/her/it is wrong and sinful and should be repented of immediately. this is why i always have anxiety attacks about seeing the people i used to be involved with, i just don’t want to deal with their insincerity and blatant judgement of me.
i hope i made her feel dirty.
