A leopard can’t change it’s spots

My dad has been stalking me via facebook for months now. He keeps sending me friend requests and I keep rejecting it. Totally not taking the hint, he sends me an e-mail today letting me know he sent me a friend request and that I should accept it. I’m not sure what possessed me to do it, but I finally just said ” ahh screw it, whatever” and I accepted. I suppose I figured we have been on civil terms as of late, what’s so wrong about a silly friend request on a silly social networking site?

No sooner did I accept the request and go to his profile, that I was reminded exactly why I had spent the last two years not speaking to him. Right there on his page was a photo shopped picture of him next to a picture of Mena Suvari, clad in a skimpy bikini with her tits nearly hanging out. Needless to say I immediately “unfriended” my dad and I am now left feeling dirty and angry.

Now, I know to most of you, perhaps the thought of some old dude photo shopping himself next to a sexy actress might be funny. But to me, it is just a reminder of all the dysfunction I have had to deal with my entire life, and the source to all my hang ups. I spent the last two years not talking to my father, in order to distance myself from his dysfunctions and addictions. I even told him exactly what he had done to bring me to the point of estrangement. He swore up and down how sorry he was, how he knew he “fucked up big time.” how he even went to confession and “cried” to the priest. He kept insisting that he’s changed. Funny how one click on a stupid facebook page can prove he’s full of shit.

Some things never change. Big surprise.

jumping the gun

my father and i have sort of started talking again after about a two year silence ( initiated by me). this came about because i realized that by cutting myself off from him i had inadvertently cut myself off from the rest of my relatives which i never wanted to do. the thing is, now that we have had a few civil conversations at family gatherings, he seems to think that our relationship is completely mended and honestly, i think he’s delusional. i may be able to once again be in a room with him without wanting to crawl out of my skin, but it doesn’t mean that anything is fixed. it just means i’ve gotten stronger.

already, has tried to talk to me about “giving” him grandkids, which i find repulsive. Not the having children part, but that fact that he seems to think I owe him another human life, and also, for some reason whenever he talks about me having kids, i can’t help but think that he’s thinking about me having sex, because that’s the kind of pervert he is. then again he may not be but i wouldn’t put it past him. also, he’s got another thing coming if he thinks i will ever leave him alone with my kids for any amount of time. he’ll be lucky if he gets to see them period. as of right now, it’s not very likely. i don’t see how i as a mother can willing put my children in the hands of some one so toxic. But then again, I don’t have kids right now so i probably shouldn’t be worrying about it just yet.

i have no idea why i’m writing about this, i guess it’s just been on my mind.

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