had a very uncomfortable talk with ben today. he knew something had been bothering me ( it’s impossible for me to hide how i’m really feeling) after a lot of prodding on his part, i finally told him about what i’ve been upset about, long, harsh story short, at times he’s irresponsible and immature and i have doubts that he is taking our future together seriously. this upset him a great deal, which i think was natural, but i found i was equally upset about his reaction. it was never my intent to hurt, shame or pick him apart, but it seems that this is what i ended up doing.
a part of me was angry that he was upset by what i had to say, he did after all, ask me to tell him what was bugging me. should i have lied to him?
but then i realized that just like i am entitled to my feelings, and that no one can make me “feel” anything without me first allowing them, I am not in control of other people’s feelings, and ben had every right to be sad/angry by what i had to say. but i know I hurt him, and i’m an asshole because of it. i know in his heart of hearts he really does love and care about me. why did i have to be so critical of some of his more insignificant flaws? why couldn’t i have just let it go and chalk it up to ben being ben? god knows he puts up with my petty bullshit all the time, why can’t i give him the same courtesy? this is why i feel like a shallow bitch. i say i love him for who he is, and yet it is the same qualities that i love that also drive me up a fucking wall.
what the fuck is wrong with me?
