The Power of Christ Repels You

A couple came to the school today for a tour to see if our facility was right for their child. As soon as I saw them, I felt as if I knew them from somewhere and couldn’t place it. As the day went on I realized I knew them from the church i used to go to a lifetime ago. I have been feeling nothing but anxiety since. Don’t get me wrong, they are nice enough people, I never spent enough time with them to really know them, but I get like this anytime I run into anyone who had even the smallest part in my religious lifestyle.

I fear the awkward re-introductions, the questions about what I’m up to, and what church I’m going to. My instinct will tell me to be honest. To tell them I am no longer a church goer, that I no longer subscribe to Christian doctrine, or any religious doctrine for that matter. To tell them I am happy, that I am living with my boyfriend and that things are for the most part hunky dory. But I don’t want to deal with the forced smiles, or the looks of sadness as they realize that I have become a “backslider”, or the awkward silences that usually follow in these types of conversation because there is nothing else to be said and no one knows how to bow out gracefully. I know I’m going to be judged and I hate that. Then again, I could totally be over thinking it, for all I know they could give two shits about me, assuming they remember me at all. Perhaps I am just self absorbed for thinking that every one I used to know must have some opinion on how I am living my life now. I really should get over myself

I think there is also this teeny tiny part of me that, upon encountering these people, feels like I have been caught doing something horrendous. This teeny tiny part of me that still believes that the god I no longer believe in ( or at least the 99.9% of me that doesn’t) is still going to strike me dead for not going to church and living in “sin.” I know this is totally illogical, but I suppose it is just that deep rooted religiosity in me that still thinks that living my life for me is going to send me to hell.

sinner

i ran into someone from the church i used to go to lifetimes ago. it was the most awkward thirty seconds of my life. she asked me about what i’ve been up to and i gave her the boring details about work and trying to go back to school and a part of me wanted to lie about living with my boyfriend but then i thought, what the fuck does it matter? so i told her and as soon as the words left my mouth, she gave me that forced smile that people give you when they clearly think you have done something wrong but they don’t have the balls to say it to your face, and then she said ” so i guess you’re not involved with any church then?” I told her I wasn’t, and even though there is nothing wrong with what i told her, i still felt guilty.

some people would say that my guilt feelings are really “god” trying to “call” me back to him/her/it but i think it’s just the foul residue of my former church life that basically said anything that isn’t centered around god and serving him/her/it is wrong and sinful and should be repented of immediately. this is why i always have anxiety attacks about seeing the people i used to be involved with, i just don’t want to deal with their insincerity and blatant judgement of me.

i hope i made her feel dirty.

God/the Devil Made Me Do It…

There is a study out that suggests that religion causes more imorality ( see video)

That makes sense to me, at least as far as Christianity goes( because I’m not really familiar what the other religion’s rules and regulations are). Christians basically have a permanent get out of jail free card. They can do whatever the fuck they want, but as long as they tell god they’re sorry and promise never to do it again ( which they almost always do) it’s all good, so sure why not go out to steal, rape, kill, whatever? And then you have the other folks who insist that they don’t even need to be sorry for what they did because ” god told me to.”

It’s insanity folks.

my sister in the flying spaghetti monster

a few days ago a co-worker and i got into a argument of sorts, long story short, i asked her to do something, she gave me an EXTREMELY rude response, I asked her if she was “serious” she said she was, i told her to get out of my room, she went bat shit and threatened to hit me, my boss got involved, told her i was right and we really hadn’t spoken since the incident.

today she apologized to me, but it wasn’t your regular ” i’m sorry i fucked up” kind of apology, this apology was evangelical. she even referred to me as her ” sister in christ.” i believe she was sincere, and i know it was hard for her to apologize ( she NEVER does that!!) so I accepted her apology, and we’re fine now…

i didn’t have the heart to tell her i’m an atheist,