The Power of Christ Repels You

A couple came to the school today for a tour to see if our facility was right for their child. As soon as I saw them, I felt as if I knew them from somewhere and couldn’t place it. As the day went on I realized I knew them from the church i used to go to a lifetime ago. I have been feeling nothing but anxiety since. Don’t get me wrong, they are nice enough people, I never spent enough time with them to really know them, but I get like this anytime I run into anyone who had even the smallest part in my religious lifestyle.

I fear the awkward re-introductions, the questions about what I’m up to, and what church I’m going to. My instinct will tell me to be honest. To tell them I am no longer a church goer, that I no longer subscribe to Christian doctrine, or any religious doctrine for that matter. To tell them I am happy, that I am living with my boyfriend and that things are for the most part hunky dory. But I don’t want to deal with the forced smiles, or the looks of sadness as they realize that I have become a “backslider”, or the awkward silences that usually follow in these types of conversation because there is nothing else to be said and no one knows how to bow out gracefully. I know I’m going to be judged and I hate that. Then again, I could totally be over thinking it, for all I know they could give two shits about me, assuming they remember me at all. Perhaps I am just self absorbed for thinking that every one I used to know must have some opinion on how I am living my life now. I really should get over myself

I think there is also this teeny tiny part of me that, upon encountering these people, feels like I have been caught doing something horrendous. This teeny tiny part of me that still believes that the god I no longer believe in ( or at least the 99.9% of me that doesn’t) is still going to strike me dead for not going to church and living in “sin.” I know this is totally illogical, but I suppose it is just that deep rooted religiosity in me that still thinks that living my life for me is going to send me to hell.

jumping the gun

my father and i have sort of started talking again after about a two year silence ( initiated by me). this came about because i realized that by cutting myself off from him i had inadvertently cut myself off from the rest of my relatives which i never wanted to do. the thing is, now that we have had a few civil conversations at family gatherings, he seems to think that our relationship is completely mended and honestly, i think he’s delusional. i may be able to once again be in a room with him without wanting to crawl out of my skin, but it doesn’t mean that anything is fixed. it just means i’ve gotten stronger.

already, has tried to talk to me about “giving” him grandkids, which i find repulsive. Not the having children part, but that fact that he seems to think I owe him another human life, and also, for some reason whenever he talks about me having kids, i can’t help but think that he’s thinking about me having sex, because that’s the kind of pervert he is. then again he may not be but i wouldn’t put it past him. also, he’s got another thing coming if he thinks i will ever leave him alone with my kids for any amount of time. he’ll be lucky if he gets to see them period. as of right now, it’s not very likely. i don’t see how i as a mother can willing put my children in the hands of some one so toxic. But then again, I don’t have kids right now so i probably shouldn’t be worrying about it just yet.

i have no idea why i’m writing about this, i guess it’s just been on my mind.

spare change?

feeling a bit trapped and out of control. our financial situation is not good at all and it’s pushing a lot of buttons. buttons connected to my childhood and living with my dad who would blow the rent money away on his girlfriends and addictions. not that that’s what we’re doing i mean all our money is going to bills and shit, but we have no money for food until friday and had to go borrow from his family ( again) and it’s very discouraging. i mean i’m supposed to be an adult, i’ve been living on my own for quite some time, how am i not able to take care of myself? it’s just really a very depressing situation to be in and it’s hard for me to see a way out of it right now.