The Power of Christ Repels You

A couple came to the school today for a tour to see if our facility was right for their child. As soon as I saw them, I felt as if I knew them from somewhere and couldn’t place it. As the day went on I realized I knew them from the church i used to go to a lifetime ago. I have been feeling nothing but anxiety since. Don’t get me wrong, they are nice enough people, I never spent enough time with them to really know them, but I get like this anytime I run into anyone who had even the smallest part in my religious lifestyle.

I fear the awkward re-introductions, the questions about what I’m up to, and what church I’m going to. My instinct will tell me to be honest. To tell them I am no longer a church goer, that I no longer subscribe to Christian doctrine, or any religious doctrine for that matter. To tell them I am happy, that I am living with my boyfriend and that things are for the most part hunky dory. But I don’t want to deal with the forced smiles, or the looks of sadness as they realize that I have become a “backslider”, or the awkward silences that usually follow in these types of conversation because there is nothing else to be said and no one knows how to bow out gracefully. I know I’m going to be judged and I hate that. Then again, I could totally be over thinking it, for all I know they could give two shits about me, assuming they remember me at all. Perhaps I am just self absorbed for thinking that every one I used to know must have some opinion on how I am living my life now. I really should get over myself

I think there is also this teeny tiny part of me that, upon encountering these people, feels like I have been caught doing something horrendous. This teeny tiny part of me that still believes that the god I no longer believe in ( or at least the 99.9% of me that doesn’t) is still going to strike me dead for not going to church and living in “sin.” I know this is totally illogical, but I suppose it is just that deep rooted religiosity in me that still thinks that living my life for me is going to send me to hell.

open wide

ben and some of his friends watched food inc . after hearing what they learned from it, i’m seriously considering going back to not eating meat ( only for realz this time, none of this half assed “chicken nuggets aren’t really meat so I can eat it” selective vegetarian shit) as well as fulfilling my personal goal of starting my own vegetable garden. if i could breed my own chickens and cows i would do that too, sure i may be killing them to eat, but at least i’d feed them food they were naturally designed to eat and i’d let them actually live and see the light of day, and you know, let them be an actual animal instead of some chemically enhanced mutant food creature…i’m just sayin’…

lessons learned
things i learned and acknowledged within the last 24 hours

. i would be very happy never to speak to either of my parents for the rest of their lives

. sometimes i think it would be easier if my parents were dead

. reading/listening/watching too much 9/11 truth shit will really fuck with your head even if you don’t believe any of it

. i’m glad i left evangelical christianity but i miss the purpose it gave me

. my kitten is a purring fluff ball of evil and must be stopped

. i have a very patient boyfriend, who despite my insisting, swears that no, naomi you are not crazy

. i hate it when people speak in third person

. i am not depressed about turning 25, quarter of century bring it on

. i envy my sister’s constant state of denial

. i miss ignorance

. while i understand the basic concept of it, i have yet to wrap my head around racism and the people who live by it

. i am compelled to explain myself

. i do not want to be a united states citizen anymore, but i don’t have the means to leave and i will not leave without ben

. since going back to therapy i have been drinking more

. i think with a british accent

. i don’t rest when i sleep

. i have treated my life poorly

. i wish john lennon was still around

. i have a headache and my eyes hurt

. i love fight scenes in movies

. it’s perfectly ok to pretend to get sick at work in order to leave early and nap with your boyfriend.